We are up early so we can book into a tour for this afternoon. We have breakfast and then head into town to have a look at the shops. I'm not getting into it, I can't seem to justify spending time shopping when I am on the other side of the world. I thought the shops would inspire me, but no. Fashion here is just as crap as fashion in Melbourne. Chris and I part ways as we are not interested in the same things for obvious reasons. I stroll casually around which is just lovely after charging around with Chris. I look at the buildings, the people and create my life in my surroundings. Soon I have had enough so grab a coffee and something "to go" for lunch and head back to the hostel.
A bus collects us for our tour to the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose which is about an hour's drive south. The bus driver is great giving us heaps of information regarding the city and surrounds. The AT & T building which is where they play baseball has a giant coke bottle that Coke had installed for $1million. The San Andreas Fault Line is filled with water that keeps the people quenched with fresh drinking water. The fog acts as a natural air conditioner for the valley. In the movie The Graduate, Dustin Hoffman is driving across the Bay Bridge and he is actually going in the wrong direction for the background!!!!!
We arrive at the house and start our tour with Molly. She is fabulous with just the right amount of corny attitude to her jokes. To describe this house would cause brain injury so you should look it up on the internet. It has staircases going to the ceiling, doors that go nowhere, cupboards that are walls inside and a seance room with secret exits. It is completely fascinating as a house that was constantly being built around the clock for many years and never completed. There is a movie called Red Rose which is based on the house. 4o odd bedrooms, 6 kitchens, 13 bathrooms and 1 shower. The number 13 is an auspicious number and features constantly throughout the house in various ways. The stained glass windows are exquisite Tiffany designs. I listen to every word Molly says and buy the book at the end of the tour.
We hit the road for home and part ways again. Chris goes off to the Castro to see a movie and I go down the street to Cafe Zoetrope. This cafe is in the Sentinel Building which Francis Ford Coppola owns and it houses his production company Zoetrope. I enter through the revolving door and the whole place looks at me. Do they recognise me from We Can Be Heroes? Oh, maybe it was my RACQ ad they saw when they were all in Port Douglas for the last film shoot. I feel confident but alone. That's okay, I have my journal, my book and soon I will have a glass of wine. There are some very loud people nearby and 2 guys in particular are talking at such a volume that I must listen to them. But wait, someone else's conversation is struggling for my attention. All I can hear is film talk and only half of it at that as the din of restaurant talk is blurry.
I stay here for quite a while, listening and looking around occasionally. Some men come in late and sit at the bar asking questions about Francis. How old is he, when does he come here bla bla bla! Well, when he is in town he comes in twice a day and once at night! This gives me good inside information for the next few days. I mention in passing that I will try to come in tomorrow for a coffee. I leave a good tip!!
I am to learn later that Francis was sorry that he missed me as he had an emergency on set that he had to attend to.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
16 June
We get up at 8am, have our free breakfast of bagels and fruit then head off to the Golden Gate Bridge. It is cold and foggy. I am wearing shorts but I have my cardy so I feel prepared to shiver through the chill. We catch the bus to the south end and head off on our walk. It's really quite pleasant despite the moist air and constant murmer of the traffic. It's not smelly and windy as the guide books warned us, thankfully. It takes us about 1/2 an hour to reach the other side and when we get there, we have a look around and decide there is nothing to do so head back. Our legs are feeling the effects of walking up the hill of Lombard St and the rest but at the same time it feels good.
We take as many photos that will come up decent in the fog as it hasn't lifted at all. Back to the start we make our first boo boo and get on the wrong bus. Well, it was the right bus going the wrong way! That would have been okay but we don't have time to waste as we are boarding the Alcatraz ferry at 2.30pm and we need to have lunch.
Back on track we go to the Hard Rock Cafe as Chris wants to buy a souvenir. Not somewhere I would choose for lunch it seemed obvious to take this option. A burger and margarita later we waddle to the ferry. We are both looking forward to this attraction very much and the ferry only takes 10mins. Soon after arrival we are watching a video introducing us to the former wardens and some former inmates. It's then time to move on to the cellhouse and pick up our audio equipment for the tour.
The jail itself is what anyone would expect but it's the commentary that makes this one special and the details we are being given make it fascinating. Listening to actual prisoners who were there gives it a more authentic feel, which it absolutely is. We take the obligatory cell photos even though I didn't really want to. The tour comes to an end and we finish up in the souvenir shop where I meet a former child resident of the island. Her father was a warden when she was 7 years old and she has written 3 books about the times and inmates. I buy her 1st book and have her sign it. I am really looking forward to reading it. Time to go so we board the ferry back to the mainland.
I'm not ready to go home so we wander along Fisherman's Wharf and end up at Ghirardelli Square to buy some good quality chocolate. We are so tired now we have to go home and freshen up before dinner. The hostel is in North Beach which is like Little Italy so we pick a restaurant and go in. At the end of the evening I have my first intense moment with the American tipping system. As you know I do NOT tip so this is a very real moment of anguish for me. Oh sure, it's easy to follow what the guide books tell you but it does seem extreme when you get those dollars out. The system shits me and I petulantly leave a tip, less than I should. I will do the right thing next time around so I will not be bringing this subject up again unless something interesting happens. I need to understand the amounts in MY head first before people tell me what to do. \
Off to bed and sleep is interrupted by the music from the clubs down on the street but eventually I nod off. Chris tells me in the morning that I had an argument with someone in my sleep and that I snore!
We take as many photos that will come up decent in the fog as it hasn't lifted at all. Back to the start we make our first boo boo and get on the wrong bus. Well, it was the right bus going the wrong way! That would have been okay but we don't have time to waste as we are boarding the Alcatraz ferry at 2.30pm and we need to have lunch.
Back on track we go to the Hard Rock Cafe as Chris wants to buy a souvenir. Not somewhere I would choose for lunch it seemed obvious to take this option. A burger and margarita later we waddle to the ferry. We are both looking forward to this attraction very much and the ferry only takes 10mins. Soon after arrival we are watching a video introducing us to the former wardens and some former inmates. It's then time to move on to the cellhouse and pick up our audio equipment for the tour.
The jail itself is what anyone would expect but it's the commentary that makes this one special and the details we are being given make it fascinating. Listening to actual prisoners who were there gives it a more authentic feel, which it absolutely is. We take the obligatory cell photos even though I didn't really want to. The tour comes to an end and we finish up in the souvenir shop where I meet a former child resident of the island. Her father was a warden when she was 7 years old and she has written 3 books about the times and inmates. I buy her 1st book and have her sign it. I am really looking forward to reading it. Time to go so we board the ferry back to the mainland.
I'm not ready to go home so we wander along Fisherman's Wharf and end up at Ghirardelli Square to buy some good quality chocolate. We are so tired now we have to go home and freshen up before dinner. The hostel is in North Beach which is like Little Italy so we pick a restaurant and go in. At the end of the evening I have my first intense moment with the American tipping system. As you know I do NOT tip so this is a very real moment of anguish for me. Oh sure, it's easy to follow what the guide books tell you but it does seem extreme when you get those dollars out. The system shits me and I petulantly leave a tip, less than I should. I will do the right thing next time around so I will not be bringing this subject up again unless something interesting happens. I need to understand the amounts in MY head first before people tell me what to do. \
Off to bed and sleep is interrupted by the music from the clubs down on the street but eventually I nod off. Chris tells me in the morning that I had an argument with someone in my sleep and that I snore!
San Francisco - part 2
7pm
We settle in for the long haul of our flight to San Francisco. Chris was lucky enough to book our seats early and we are by ourselves at the back of the plane. Dinner isn't far away and I start watching Wall-E but can't get into it and switch it off. I choose the chicken with sage and onion stuffing and vegies for dinner which is followed naturally with more NZ icecream. Yum!! I treat myself to a few wines to accompany my cheese and crackers.
Time is passing very slowly and my coccyx is getting very sore now so I'm tossing and turning. The seats aren't particularly uncomfortable, it's just that I get pain. When I lower my seat I slip down a bit so my head doesn't reach the head rest properly. The seat is placed a bit further away from the wall than normal so I can't lean against it. But wait! I have a solution. My backpack is just big enough to fill the gap and then I place a blanket and pillow on top. This is good and if I curl up I can almost lie on my side. The comfort doesn't last long and I have to turn over to an inferior position. Chris has taken a valium and I have taken a valerian. Soon we are still both wide awake. Chris actually won't sleep until we arrive in SF, except for a catnap at breakfast. I get up and stand at the back near the stewards station reading my book. I look a picture in my purple striped toe socks and red thongs. Soon I start to get that familiar feeling of being faint and I am concerned. The last thing I want now is to collapse and send everyone into Swine Flu defence mode. Relax, I am a fainter!! I sit down to settle myself.
Hours later after a few naps I sit up in frustration with my woozy head and dry eyes and attempt another movie. It's not really long to go now but long enough to be bored. I choose Frozen River and 30minutes in I realise I have seen it before at MIFF.
Finally we commence our descent into SF and the captain proudly announces we have cut 30minutes off our flying time. A few seconds later he tells us we have to stay up in the sky for another 35minutes in the holding pen as there is congestion on the runways. Well, yes there would be if we are breaking our schedule!!!!! The remainder of the airport business is boring so let's skip to the main event.
3pm
We are staying at the Green Tortoise Hostel and as we open our room door and step in we almost fall out the window! After freshening up we go out for a casual walk and get our bearings, kind of. What joy! We are in the heart of strip club territory and Larry Flynt's Hustler Club is right across the street. I consider myself a very lucky girl when I see a shop that specialises in Swedish Erotica. My favourite!!! I consider picking up some casual work while I am here as the choice of strip clubs is endless however there are limited positions vacant for chubby 40 year olds.
We head off to Lombard St which is the crookedest street in the world. Most people are aware that SF is home to some of the most excruciatingly steep hills and Lombard is one of them. It is beautiful and the homes, or as they are known here, condominiums with perfectly manicured gardens are stunning. Streams of tourists walking and driving down the crooked bits remind us that we are tourists too and look like everyone else.
Heading down to Fisherman's Wharf we find ourselves amongst the souvenir shops and lots of restaurants. We are starving and opt for a cheeseburger which is actually pretty good and twice the size I wanted. We explore some more and buy our tickets for Alcatraz tomorrow, then head home for our free dinner at the hostel. There is an hour to wait so Chris has a sleep and I write in my journal. I go to the shop and buy a 6 pack of Rolling Rock which is my favourite beer and make friends with the shop attendant.
Dinner is pesto pasta with zucchini, garlic bread and salad. Not my cup of tea but I need to eat. There is no salad left so I am stuck with garlic and garlic. We discuss the next day and make loose plans. Chris isn't really a planner so I find it difficult. He heads off to bed and I stay and write and drink my beer.
So here we on on Broadway St. I am surrounded by travellers mostly in their early 20's. I go to the computer and see Anthony, a guy I used to work with at Eureka. It's just crazy how these things happen. Of all the places in all the countries in the world, to run into someone you know is dumbfounding!
I head to bed and hope I can make it through the night without getting up for the toilet. I am on the top bunk and the ladder steps are far apart.
We settle in for the long haul of our flight to San Francisco. Chris was lucky enough to book our seats early and we are by ourselves at the back of the plane. Dinner isn't far away and I start watching Wall-E but can't get into it and switch it off. I choose the chicken with sage and onion stuffing and vegies for dinner which is followed naturally with more NZ icecream. Yum!! I treat myself to a few wines to accompany my cheese and crackers.
Time is passing very slowly and my coccyx is getting very sore now so I'm tossing and turning. The seats aren't particularly uncomfortable, it's just that I get pain. When I lower my seat I slip down a bit so my head doesn't reach the head rest properly. The seat is placed a bit further away from the wall than normal so I can't lean against it. But wait! I have a solution. My backpack is just big enough to fill the gap and then I place a blanket and pillow on top. This is good and if I curl up I can almost lie on my side. The comfort doesn't last long and I have to turn over to an inferior position. Chris has taken a valium and I have taken a valerian. Soon we are still both wide awake. Chris actually won't sleep until we arrive in SF, except for a catnap at breakfast. I get up and stand at the back near the stewards station reading my book. I look a picture in my purple striped toe socks and red thongs. Soon I start to get that familiar feeling of being faint and I am concerned. The last thing I want now is to collapse and send everyone into Swine Flu defence mode. Relax, I am a fainter!! I sit down to settle myself.
Hours later after a few naps I sit up in frustration with my woozy head and dry eyes and attempt another movie. It's not really long to go now but long enough to be bored. I choose Frozen River and 30minutes in I realise I have seen it before at MIFF.
Finally we commence our descent into SF and the captain proudly announces we have cut 30minutes off our flying time. A few seconds later he tells us we have to stay up in the sky for another 35minutes in the holding pen as there is congestion on the runways. Well, yes there would be if we are breaking our schedule!!!!! The remainder of the airport business is boring so let's skip to the main event.
3pm
We are staying at the Green Tortoise Hostel and as we open our room door and step in we almost fall out the window! After freshening up we go out for a casual walk and get our bearings, kind of. What joy! We are in the heart of strip club territory and Larry Flynt's Hustler Club is right across the street. I consider myself a very lucky girl when I see a shop that specialises in Swedish Erotica. My favourite!!! I consider picking up some casual work while I am here as the choice of strip clubs is endless however there are limited positions vacant for chubby 40 year olds.
We head off to Lombard St which is the crookedest street in the world. Most people are aware that SF is home to some of the most excruciatingly steep hills and Lombard is one of them. It is beautiful and the homes, or as they are known here, condominiums with perfectly manicured gardens are stunning. Streams of tourists walking and driving down the crooked bits remind us that we are tourists too and look like everyone else.
Heading down to Fisherman's Wharf we find ourselves amongst the souvenir shops and lots of restaurants. We are starving and opt for a cheeseburger which is actually pretty good and twice the size I wanted. We explore some more and buy our tickets for Alcatraz tomorrow, then head home for our free dinner at the hostel. There is an hour to wait so Chris has a sleep and I write in my journal. I go to the shop and buy a 6 pack of Rolling Rock which is my favourite beer and make friends with the shop attendant.
Dinner is pesto pasta with zucchini, garlic bread and salad. Not my cup of tea but I need to eat. There is no salad left so I am stuck with garlic and garlic. We discuss the next day and make loose plans. Chris isn't really a planner so I find it difficult. He heads off to bed and I stay and write and drink my beer.
So here we on on Broadway St. I am surrounded by travellers mostly in their early 20's. I go to the computer and see Anthony, a guy I used to work with at Eureka. It's just crazy how these things happen. Of all the places in all the countries in the world, to run into someone you know is dumbfounding!
I head to bed and hope I can make it through the night without getting up for the toilet. I am on the top bunk and the ladder steps are far apart.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Melbourne to Auckland
Monday 15 June 2009
4.30am
I am thinking that I should not have continued with the wine and my teeth are aching because I flossed them very hard. I wonder if I should just get up and read for a while, perhaps I could just fall asleep on the couch?? Not a good idea. Sleep - here - now. I can hear a few birds chirping so I think that it might be around 6am. I am wrong, it is only 4.30am.
8am
I am up and showered, Sarah arrives, Chris gets up. We flit around the flat doing last minute things that should have been done already. Chris hands me a bit of paper that I need to fill in with details that are not handy!! Shit!! What else haven't you given me?
10.30am
My 150ml of Olay moisturiser, macleans toothpaste and half a bottle of water are confiscated at customs. I am furious and cursing my way through the gates. Chris understands that I need to have breakfast before I explode.
12pm
We take off bang on 12pm and I am impressed. Immediately we have begun our in flight entertainment - I have chosen "Valkyrie" - which takes up the majority of our flight to Auckland. The headsets are always too big for my small head so I am constantly arranging them appropriately. Dudley, our captain spruiks the wonders of his crew continuously and I can't help but suspect that they may be new recruits. From my observations they are of an average age of 38 which makes me think they are more than experienced. It is difficult to focus on the movie which I knew would be an issue but I persevere. I have my toe socks on, I am relaxed, fed with a nice meal and all's right with the world..........until...........a baby cries. Half an hour before our descent this baby is screaming non stop and there is not a whisper from the parent/s. Then another one starts. WHAT!!!! You have got to be joking!!!!
Valkyrie ends and I begin to watch the original Frost/Nixon interviews but Dudley keeps making announcements about the rainy weather and the right hand turn we need to make before going through the intersection to get to runway 5. Personally I would be taking a left hand turn Dudley, it is peak hour!!!! And once again we are reminded of the fabulous team we have on board servicing us today. I abort my cinematic experience and move on to listen to music and start my journal.
5pm
Auckland. As we sit in the terminal awaiting our connection, we partake in another beverage and a snack. We are bored, reading, writing, chatting, wondering why no one has sent us any messages. Of course we know why but we miss contact with the outside world. A visit to the toilets proves to be very entertaining. With a sliding door and button to press for locking, you are also treated to a very polite and welcoming female voice telling you how to open/close the door. Upon your departure you will be asked to stand clear as the door is now opening and with your first exiting step you will be asked to "please come again!" I wonder if the male toilets have a male voice? I send Chris in but he goes to the wrong toilet.
4.30am
I am thinking that I should not have continued with the wine and my teeth are aching because I flossed them very hard. I wonder if I should just get up and read for a while, perhaps I could just fall asleep on the couch?? Not a good idea. Sleep - here - now. I can hear a few birds chirping so I think that it might be around 6am. I am wrong, it is only 4.30am.
8am
I am up and showered, Sarah arrives, Chris gets up. We flit around the flat doing last minute things that should have been done already. Chris hands me a bit of paper that I need to fill in with details that are not handy!! Shit!! What else haven't you given me?
10.30am
My 150ml of Olay moisturiser, macleans toothpaste and half a bottle of water are confiscated at customs. I am furious and cursing my way through the gates. Chris understands that I need to have breakfast before I explode.
12pm
We take off bang on 12pm and I am impressed. Immediately we have begun our in flight entertainment - I have chosen "Valkyrie" - which takes up the majority of our flight to Auckland. The headsets are always too big for my small head so I am constantly arranging them appropriately. Dudley, our captain spruiks the wonders of his crew continuously and I can't help but suspect that they may be new recruits. From my observations they are of an average age of 38 which makes me think they are more than experienced. It is difficult to focus on the movie which I knew would be an issue but I persevere. I have my toe socks on, I am relaxed, fed with a nice meal and all's right with the world..........until...........a baby cries. Half an hour before our descent this baby is screaming non stop and there is not a whisper from the parent/s. Then another one starts. WHAT!!!! You have got to be joking!!!!
Valkyrie ends and I begin to watch the original Frost/Nixon interviews but Dudley keeps making announcements about the rainy weather and the right hand turn we need to make before going through the intersection to get to runway 5. Personally I would be taking a left hand turn Dudley, it is peak hour!!!! And once again we are reminded of the fabulous team we have on board servicing us today. I abort my cinematic experience and move on to listen to music and start my journal.
5pm
Auckland. As we sit in the terminal awaiting our connection, we partake in another beverage and a snack. We are bored, reading, writing, chatting, wondering why no one has sent us any messages. Of course we know why but we miss contact with the outside world. A visit to the toilets proves to be very entertaining. With a sliding door and button to press for locking, you are also treated to a very polite and welcoming female voice telling you how to open/close the door. Upon your departure you will be asked to stand clear as the door is now opening and with your first exiting step you will be asked to "please come again!" I wonder if the male toilets have a male voice? I send Chris in but he goes to the wrong toilet.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Where Is Darling Towers? - Wrapping Up The Comedy
Greg Fleet’s show this year was to be his 21st and quite rightly he titled it “Where’s My Pony?” Fleety, as he is endearingly called, is one of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival’s stalwarts, returning year after year to make us laugh or otherwise. Like Fleety, I returned to the festival this year for my 10th as a box office babe and to make you laugh or otherwise. I didn’t ask where my pony was but I did exclaim “Where’s my chocolate, Susan?” Each year the festival director gives us a chocolate heart from Pink Lady as a thank you for all our hard work and having not received it by the end of the night I was a little put out.
I think at this point in my box office career it is time to allow you into our world, one that fills us with exasperation, frustration, hilarity, insanity and booze. After the first 4 or 5 years most people tend to move on from the festival having had enough of the stress and volumes of punters that haven’t got a clue. They usually go to or come from the Edinburgh Festival or Adelaide Fringe and a few transfer from live action to cinematic glory with the Melbourne International Film Festival. One can be labelled a festival whore quite quickly and that’s fine with me as at least I know I am a damn good one and you will get your money’s worth! At the end of each comedy festival a few of us say we are not coming back next year but secretly we know that we will. The festival club after work is a great place to go and unwind, get trashed, chat with comedians and celebrity spot, if that’s what you like to do. I haven’t been to the club for a few years now and actually haven’t seen any shows either except for a few grabs of whoever is on in the main hall! I’ve done my partying and had a fantastic time with many memories. My record night was getting the 7am tram home.
With over 300 shows to choose from, every night there are thousands of punters mingling, reading, studying, wondering, note taking and discussing. The queue for tickets can be an hour long and most people don’t remember from year to year to allow for that so they get cranky. By the time they get to the front of the line the show they wanted has sold out or we don’t sell the tickets. We are asked all kinds of questions from ATM locations, where are comedians staying, who’s playing football this weekend and where is Darling Towers. At a comedy festival half of these questions are stupid. Now you may be forgiven for thinking that is a little unfair as there should not be any stupid questions, but let me give you an example, “What’s on TV tonight for comedy?” My case is not at rest here, there are more examples below.
Case Study 1 – The First Timer
Peter and Amanda are in the queue, they have been waiting patiently although getting a bit anxious as one of the headline acts they have chosen is due to start in 5 minutes. They didn’t book in advance, surely they could just rock up and get tickets to one of the most famous comedians/TV celebrities in Australia. After waiting for 30 minutes they reach the counter blurting out they want to see Dave. “Excellent, which Dave? We have many comedians in this country named Dave and I don’t know which one you are referring to.” The reply is “the one on TV.”
Case Study 2 – Steve The Smart Arse and Lenny The Lazy
Smart Steve rocks up to the counter with a smirk on his face as he is about to ask me something he thinks I have never heard before “What’s funny?” To that I reply, “Nothing is funny, it’s a comedy festival!!!!!” Lazy Lenny, his mate laughs raucously at my comment and gives Steve a little punch in the arm as if to say “She got ya there mate!” The festival guide is a comprehensive tome with every piece of information you need and that is why thousands of them are printed for you to use. “I want something funny. What’s on?” To that I say, “Look at the guide or perhaps try the daily diary to help you find something. “Nah, it’s too hard. What can you recommend?”
This last question is the most hated of all questions at a festival. I can recommend 20 shows to you and you will turn around and say “no” to all of them. I have just wasted 15 minutes because you are too lazy to read the program yourself and decide what YOU think is funny. Meanwhile the 100 people behind you are shuffling their feet and mumbling obscenities at you and me for taking so long. Of course, it will be my fault when you walk away in a bad mood because you couldn’t make a decision.
Steve and Lenny will go on to ask “Who’s the next Irish comedian?” or “Who’s that guy from TV?” That guy will generally be playing at The Athenaeum next door so we tell them to get tickets there. “Where is it?” “It’s just next door.” “How do I get there?” Most people would put one foot in front of the other and move their body forwards, this is commonly known as walking! “You go out this door, turn left and walk into the next door.” Under the flashing lights and signs that will blind you with information!!!!
Case Study 3 – The "Friend" of the Comedian
“That show is sold out.” “Oh no, it can’t be, I’ve come all the way from Perth to see him!” So many punters blurt this piece of information out to us in a plea to obtain tickets. “He’ll be so disappointed I couldn’t get tickets, he’s expecting me to see the show tonight. Can you do anything?” My answer is “NO!” As I stare blankly back at them my head is saying, “Well you should have booked tickets then. You were capable enough to book your plane ticket?”
When we say a show is sold out we mean it. Asking us if there is “just 1 seat” or “scattered seats” is pointless and STUPID!!!! Thinking themselves one up on us, some people say “it doesn’t say sold out on the board.” “SO!” I may have just sold the last ticket to the person before you so saying that isn’t going to get you a ticket. Sold out means sold out, no tickets, everyone else got their tickets BEFORE you and there are NO more. We cannot magically expand the venue just for you.
Case Study 4 – The Tightarse –How Do I Get A Comp?
Case 3 leads us perfectly into Case 4 which is all about the complimentary ticket. This ticket is the bane of any box office person, whether it be for a festival, play, musical, concert or sporting event. We go to many lengths to make the process or organisation and collection of comps straight forward but inevitably there are mishaps. It’s usually the artist who has promised someone a free ticket whilst accepting a drink from the fan who is gushing over them. They forget who and how many tickets they have offered and so the recipient comes to collect their freebie and it is not there. “But he said he would leave a ticket for me at the door!”
Once you know the lingo you could rock up anywhere claiming your name should be on the door. A lot of people this year would ask about promoter’s tickets being released to sell for a sold out event. It was incredibly annoying with them hanging around loitering at the counter bothering us every 5 minutes.
Case Study 5 – The Parent
The festival is for adults but over the years kids or teenagers have been coming and of course they generally walk away disappointed as shows are not suitable or they are in licenced venues. The kids shows have become increasingly popular so now there is usually a good selection for various age groups. Many parents have abused us for the lack of childrens options (I remind you, at an adult festival) and I just want to tell them where to go.
“What can you recommend for a 17 year old?” Honestly, you know your child better than I do, which is not at all, so isn’t he old enough to look at the guide himself? Really, at 17 I don’t think he needs you deciding which show he will like.
Case Study 6 – The Regular
Some punters are so incredibly organised it is insane. Their giant diaries, laptops or colour coded spreadsheets plonk down on our desk with notes written in each day for each show, pieces of paper with more notes on them flying loose threatening to be lost and options, options, options. We love these people but we hate them. They take a lot of work which is fine but we can never trust that they have done everything right. Oh, they will tell us they have checked all the times, discounts, venues and restrictions expecting us to go right ahead and not check ourselves. Buh bow!! (wrong buzzer sound) They won’t believe us when we give them information contrary to their research so they will then check the guide and show us what they know. They are still wrong.
Case Study 7 – The Penis Whisperer
Puppetry of the Penis, La Petit Mort and Storm In a D Cup are shows that people can’t seem to say aloud. “I want to go that show with the puppets.” We might say “Postcards From Purgatory?” “Um no, Puppetry of...” “Okay, PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS?” You want to watch the boys on stage playing with themselves?
“I want to see this show (person opens the guide and points to La Petit Mort).” La Petit Mort means orgasm.
Come on people, how old are you?
And so I could go on and on and on with examples. We’ve heard it all, we’ve seen it all but there is one answer I don’t have....
“Where is Darling Towers?”
I think at this point in my box office career it is time to allow you into our world, one that fills us with exasperation, frustration, hilarity, insanity and booze. After the first 4 or 5 years most people tend to move on from the festival having had enough of the stress and volumes of punters that haven’t got a clue. They usually go to or come from the Edinburgh Festival or Adelaide Fringe and a few transfer from live action to cinematic glory with the Melbourne International Film Festival. One can be labelled a festival whore quite quickly and that’s fine with me as at least I know I am a damn good one and you will get your money’s worth! At the end of each comedy festival a few of us say we are not coming back next year but secretly we know that we will. The festival club after work is a great place to go and unwind, get trashed, chat with comedians and celebrity spot, if that’s what you like to do. I haven’t been to the club for a few years now and actually haven’t seen any shows either except for a few grabs of whoever is on in the main hall! I’ve done my partying and had a fantastic time with many memories. My record night was getting the 7am tram home.
With over 300 shows to choose from, every night there are thousands of punters mingling, reading, studying, wondering, note taking and discussing. The queue for tickets can be an hour long and most people don’t remember from year to year to allow for that so they get cranky. By the time they get to the front of the line the show they wanted has sold out or we don’t sell the tickets. We are asked all kinds of questions from ATM locations, where are comedians staying, who’s playing football this weekend and where is Darling Towers. At a comedy festival half of these questions are stupid. Now you may be forgiven for thinking that is a little unfair as there should not be any stupid questions, but let me give you an example, “What’s on TV tonight for comedy?” My case is not at rest here, there are more examples below.
Case Study 1 – The First Timer
Peter and Amanda are in the queue, they have been waiting patiently although getting a bit anxious as one of the headline acts they have chosen is due to start in 5 minutes. They didn’t book in advance, surely they could just rock up and get tickets to one of the most famous comedians/TV celebrities in Australia. After waiting for 30 minutes they reach the counter blurting out they want to see Dave. “Excellent, which Dave? We have many comedians in this country named Dave and I don’t know which one you are referring to.” The reply is “the one on TV.”
Case Study 2 – Steve The Smart Arse and Lenny The Lazy
Smart Steve rocks up to the counter with a smirk on his face as he is about to ask me something he thinks I have never heard before “What’s funny?” To that I reply, “Nothing is funny, it’s a comedy festival!!!!!” Lazy Lenny, his mate laughs raucously at my comment and gives Steve a little punch in the arm as if to say “She got ya there mate!” The festival guide is a comprehensive tome with every piece of information you need and that is why thousands of them are printed for you to use. “I want something funny. What’s on?” To that I say, “Look at the guide or perhaps try the daily diary to help you find something. “Nah, it’s too hard. What can you recommend?”
This last question is the most hated of all questions at a festival. I can recommend 20 shows to you and you will turn around and say “no” to all of them. I have just wasted 15 minutes because you are too lazy to read the program yourself and decide what YOU think is funny. Meanwhile the 100 people behind you are shuffling their feet and mumbling obscenities at you and me for taking so long. Of course, it will be my fault when you walk away in a bad mood because you couldn’t make a decision.
Steve and Lenny will go on to ask “Who’s the next Irish comedian?” or “Who’s that guy from TV?” That guy will generally be playing at The Athenaeum next door so we tell them to get tickets there. “Where is it?” “It’s just next door.” “How do I get there?” Most people would put one foot in front of the other and move their body forwards, this is commonly known as walking! “You go out this door, turn left and walk into the next door.” Under the flashing lights and signs that will blind you with information!!!!
Case Study 3 – The "Friend" of the Comedian
“That show is sold out.” “Oh no, it can’t be, I’ve come all the way from Perth to see him!” So many punters blurt this piece of information out to us in a plea to obtain tickets. “He’ll be so disappointed I couldn’t get tickets, he’s expecting me to see the show tonight. Can you do anything?” My answer is “NO!” As I stare blankly back at them my head is saying, “Well you should have booked tickets then. You were capable enough to book your plane ticket?”
When we say a show is sold out we mean it. Asking us if there is “just 1 seat” or “scattered seats” is pointless and STUPID!!!! Thinking themselves one up on us, some people say “it doesn’t say sold out on the board.” “SO!” I may have just sold the last ticket to the person before you so saying that isn’t going to get you a ticket. Sold out means sold out, no tickets, everyone else got their tickets BEFORE you and there are NO more. We cannot magically expand the venue just for you.
Case Study 4 – The Tightarse –How Do I Get A Comp?
Case 3 leads us perfectly into Case 4 which is all about the complimentary ticket. This ticket is the bane of any box office person, whether it be for a festival, play, musical, concert or sporting event. We go to many lengths to make the process or organisation and collection of comps straight forward but inevitably there are mishaps. It’s usually the artist who has promised someone a free ticket whilst accepting a drink from the fan who is gushing over them. They forget who and how many tickets they have offered and so the recipient comes to collect their freebie and it is not there. “But he said he would leave a ticket for me at the door!”
Once you know the lingo you could rock up anywhere claiming your name should be on the door. A lot of people this year would ask about promoter’s tickets being released to sell for a sold out event. It was incredibly annoying with them hanging around loitering at the counter bothering us every 5 minutes.
Case Study 5 – The Parent
The festival is for adults but over the years kids or teenagers have been coming and of course they generally walk away disappointed as shows are not suitable or they are in licenced venues. The kids shows have become increasingly popular so now there is usually a good selection for various age groups. Many parents have abused us for the lack of childrens options (I remind you, at an adult festival) and I just want to tell them where to go.
“What can you recommend for a 17 year old?” Honestly, you know your child better than I do, which is not at all, so isn’t he old enough to look at the guide himself? Really, at 17 I don’t think he needs you deciding which show he will like.
Case Study 6 – The Regular
Some punters are so incredibly organised it is insane. Their giant diaries, laptops or colour coded spreadsheets plonk down on our desk with notes written in each day for each show, pieces of paper with more notes on them flying loose threatening to be lost and options, options, options. We love these people but we hate them. They take a lot of work which is fine but we can never trust that they have done everything right. Oh, they will tell us they have checked all the times, discounts, venues and restrictions expecting us to go right ahead and not check ourselves. Buh bow!! (wrong buzzer sound) They won’t believe us when we give them information contrary to their research so they will then check the guide and show us what they know. They are still wrong.
Case Study 7 – The Penis Whisperer
Puppetry of the Penis, La Petit Mort and Storm In a D Cup are shows that people can’t seem to say aloud. “I want to go that show with the puppets.” We might say “Postcards From Purgatory?” “Um no, Puppetry of...” “Okay, PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS?” You want to watch the boys on stage playing with themselves?
“I want to see this show (person opens the guide and points to La Petit Mort).” La Petit Mort means orgasm.
Come on people, how old are you?
And so I could go on and on and on with examples. We’ve heard it all, we’ve seen it all but there is one answer I don’t have....
“Where is Darling Towers?”
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Walk The Walk
Only a few friends have seen my impressions of people’s ways of walking. I don’t do them all the time, just if someone has a particular style about them that is recognisable or unique. There are various styles of walking: as a ballet dancer, pigeon-toed, knock-kneed and bandy-legged. There are also people who walk on the balls of their feet and have a slight spring to their gait. There are people who swagger, saunter, walk fast/slow, in a straight line/all over the footpath, sway their hips, shuffle, don’t move their arms or look where they are going.
Models are the easiest of all to imitate. They slouch their shoulders and stick out their groins to give them that relaxed look and then depending on the speed of their walk, move their legs appropriately – which I will now explain.
The Saunter
This is a slow, leisurely pace. The scene is moody so there will be lots of pouting lips and indifference written on faces. Beige, fawn, sand and taupe coloured basic sets with maybe some billowing ivory curtains for the lingerie section. Perhaps this is a standard fashion show where it’s all prêt a porter. Oh how common!
Step 1: Slouch shoulders, head down, eyes up and push your groin forward. Do not smile.
Step 2: Start walking with an exaggerated knee lift pointing the toes as you raise your feet off the ground
Step 3: Add the hip swing. When you lift your left knee, swing your hips to the left and vice versa for the right
Step 4: Continue these movements and move your head in rounded movements in slow motion as you throw bored looks to your audience. If you catch someone’s eye, without words tell them you are too good for them
The Mission
Changing scenes we are heading into the corporate world. Suits, pencil skirts, high waisted pants with flared legs, waistcoats and ties. Black, grey, the new black and more black.
Step 1: Posture slightly stiff, shoulders down and back but not slouching. This will elongate your neck. Head up, eyes straight ahead, serious almost angry face, groin slightly forward
Step 2: This time you don’t want to exaggerate your knee lift too much but you do need to do so to assist with the hip swaying.
Step 3: With one hand on your hip and the other holding a black leather folder, imagine you are late for a very important meeting that you are in charge of. Your shoulders will take the lead. Under no circumstances are you to make eye contact with anyone. If another model gets in your way then just push right through him/her. That’s it, create some tension out there baby!
The Skip and Twirl
Let’s lighten the mood and head to the fun park. Lots of colour, balloons, candy striped sets and token animals (stuffed toys as you are socially aware that live animals should not be used for entertainment). The clothing is tutus, leggings, shorty shorts and tank tops with lots of accessories.
Step 1: Relax your whole body with a shake from head to toe. Smile, yes you can do it. Now laugh with sound and throw your hair around. You are now ready.
Step 2: With a skip in your step I want you to really go for it when you exaggerate those knee lifts so much so that you almost knee yourself in the chin. The skip really helps and your arms will naturally fly in all directions as you twirl and whirl down the catwalk. On top of all that you are getting a terrific workout. Bonus!
Step 3: Add some gestures to the audience such as “hello waves” and “blowing kisses”. As hard as it is to smile in regular shows, you will find this is something you now can’t control.
Step 4: Lap up the attention and euphoria you have created in the room. All the other models are laughing and you are communicating with each and every person in the audience with your happiness. Backstage your stiletto heel accidently on purpose pierces the skin of your rival's foot, the one who smacked you in the face on the runway with her carousel arms.
The Improv
We are putting the bizarre into fashion now with the fantasy section. Clothing that is not made for everyday occasions and not practical to wear. This walk will test your skills at making it work and is the grand finale of your training. Extreme set design with mirror balls, neon lights, bold colours and dresses with headwear that could hide the rabbit and the white dove.
Step 1: Become the outfit. You may need to slouch, be upright or use your body in new ways such as crawling on your hands and knees. This is character work and a brief intro to your acting gigs on the sideline.
Step 2: Take extra care with your platform shoes as they will be your undoing if something is to go wrong. If you happen to trip and fall down that’s okay, people love to see that you are human and while they show concern on their face, inside they are laughing their asses off. Don’t worry if your skirt falls down, step out of it, pick it up and laugh it off. You’ve got legs that are the envy of all women and the desire of all men so show ‘em what you got!
I hope you all took part in this interactive training session and had as much fun learning and practicing as I did teaching. If you would like a private assessment of your new skills, feel free to contact me.
Congratulations, you are now on your way to becoming your household’s next top model!
Models are the easiest of all to imitate. They slouch their shoulders and stick out their groins to give them that relaxed look and then depending on the speed of their walk, move their legs appropriately – which I will now explain.
The Saunter
This is a slow, leisurely pace. The scene is moody so there will be lots of pouting lips and indifference written on faces. Beige, fawn, sand and taupe coloured basic sets with maybe some billowing ivory curtains for the lingerie section. Perhaps this is a standard fashion show where it’s all prêt a porter. Oh how common!
Step 1: Slouch shoulders, head down, eyes up and push your groin forward. Do not smile.
Step 2: Start walking with an exaggerated knee lift pointing the toes as you raise your feet off the ground
Step 3: Add the hip swing. When you lift your left knee, swing your hips to the left and vice versa for the right
Step 4: Continue these movements and move your head in rounded movements in slow motion as you throw bored looks to your audience. If you catch someone’s eye, without words tell them you are too good for them
The Mission
Changing scenes we are heading into the corporate world. Suits, pencil skirts, high waisted pants with flared legs, waistcoats and ties. Black, grey, the new black and more black.
Step 1: Posture slightly stiff, shoulders down and back but not slouching. This will elongate your neck. Head up, eyes straight ahead, serious almost angry face, groin slightly forward
Step 2: This time you don’t want to exaggerate your knee lift too much but you do need to do so to assist with the hip swaying.
Step 3: With one hand on your hip and the other holding a black leather folder, imagine you are late for a very important meeting that you are in charge of. Your shoulders will take the lead. Under no circumstances are you to make eye contact with anyone. If another model gets in your way then just push right through him/her. That’s it, create some tension out there baby!
The Skip and Twirl
Let’s lighten the mood and head to the fun park. Lots of colour, balloons, candy striped sets and token animals (stuffed toys as you are socially aware that live animals should not be used for entertainment). The clothing is tutus, leggings, shorty shorts and tank tops with lots of accessories.
Step 1: Relax your whole body with a shake from head to toe. Smile, yes you can do it. Now laugh with sound and throw your hair around. You are now ready.
Step 2: With a skip in your step I want you to really go for it when you exaggerate those knee lifts so much so that you almost knee yourself in the chin. The skip really helps and your arms will naturally fly in all directions as you twirl and whirl down the catwalk. On top of all that you are getting a terrific workout. Bonus!
Step 3: Add some gestures to the audience such as “hello waves” and “blowing kisses”. As hard as it is to smile in regular shows, you will find this is something you now can’t control.
Step 4: Lap up the attention and euphoria you have created in the room. All the other models are laughing and you are communicating with each and every person in the audience with your happiness. Backstage your stiletto heel accidently on purpose pierces the skin of your rival's foot, the one who smacked you in the face on the runway with her carousel arms.
The Improv
We are putting the bizarre into fashion now with the fantasy section. Clothing that is not made for everyday occasions and not practical to wear. This walk will test your skills at making it work and is the grand finale of your training. Extreme set design with mirror balls, neon lights, bold colours and dresses with headwear that could hide the rabbit and the white dove.
Step 1: Become the outfit. You may need to slouch, be upright or use your body in new ways such as crawling on your hands and knees. This is character work and a brief intro to your acting gigs on the sideline.
Step 2: Take extra care with your platform shoes as they will be your undoing if something is to go wrong. If you happen to trip and fall down that’s okay, people love to see that you are human and while they show concern on their face, inside they are laughing their asses off. Don’t worry if your skirt falls down, step out of it, pick it up and laugh it off. You’ve got legs that are the envy of all women and the desire of all men so show ‘em what you got!
I hope you all took part in this interactive training session and had as much fun learning and practicing as I did teaching. If you would like a private assessment of your new skills, feel free to contact me.
Congratulations, you are now on your way to becoming your household’s next top model!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Service With A Snarl
Oh JB, you've done it again!
I don’t remember a time when I have received good customer service when at the counter of JB HiFi. When shopping around for electric or electronic equipment I think JB is one of the best places to go to. These guys know their stuff. They have specialists in each department and most of the time will be forthcoming with information and provide answers to the questions you never remember to ask. It’s a different story when it’s time to head towards the payment counter. There is usually a queue to wait in and at sale times this is not a shop you want to enter.
The staff look like misplaced musos and artistes with their messy hair, 5 day growth, multiple piercings and 2nd hand clothes (not that there is anything wrong with that). They will not make eye contact with you or say hello, just challenge you with their knowledgeable attitude to put your CD’s on the counter and show them what your taste in music is. If you ask a question you will be met with a response that offers no openings for any further verbal contact. Something resembling a mumbled “thank you” is all that you will get. It is best you just take your purchase and leave.
My Store!
Myer staff are a friendly, chatty bunch aren’t they? Amongst themselves that is.
Myer is a great place for leisurely browsing and shopping in general but the staff is their biggest letdown and they have a reputation that is almost unchallengeable. Never mind about the constant renovations which see you entering what you thought was Ladieswear, only to find yourself in Electrical. Whenever there is a discussion on customer service Myer staff always get a mention as they are up there with the best of the worst.
When ready to make your purchase or simply ask for directions and so on, staff can be found in small groups at the register least likely to be used. Some gossip will be passing between them and you are not to interrupt until they have finished. If you do happen to make a faux pas and say “excuse me” or “hello”, don’t expect a reply. Susan needs to know what happened to Jenny (who nobody likes) when she left the club and if John from Menswear picked her up. The first words that are spoken to you are, “do you have Flybuys or Myer One?” The transaction will be finalised, you will be thanked and if you are lucky you will get a smile before they return to continue with the story that you so rudely stumbled upon.
You may even be luckier to strike a staff member who responds to your question, “oh, I don’t actually work here.” It’s then that you see the “Visitor” sticker. These people are most likely to be standing, staring with vacant eyes in the perfume department.
Nova the Independent!
The home of Melbourne’s favourite independent cinema is the purple decorated Nova. It is also the home to some of Melbourne’s most surly and ignorant staff I have ever come across on a regular basis. Like JB, you will be met by skinny, grungy artist types who have no interest in you whatsoever. Don’t dare ask a question as a curt reply and slight snarl will offend.
It’s not really good enough for them to have the best choc tops in town and the best selection of current films and then spoil it with the patronising attitude of the staff. I think the only person who has ever said hello to me is someone I know at the box office. The worst ones are the ticket checkers at the entrance. No eye contact, no greeting, no smile, no cares. They are also guilty of not pausing their conversation for you.
Don't Call Me Babe!
As customers we can be hard to please and I am definitely one of those who will ark up and gladly relay my experience to others. I will probably return the surly look I received and mumble something as I walk off. I can’t stand it when 18 year old girls greet me at the clothing rack with a joyous “hi darls, how are you today? On your lunchbreak are you? How’s your day going? I will just be over here if you need anything hon(ey). We have 20% off everything today!!!” I will say hello, try to smile and quickly avert my eyes so as to not invite a conversation about how I came to be in the shop in the first place. Equally I can’t stand it when I want some attention and don’t get a small acknowledgement for being in the store as this is generally when I want some help.
No one is allowed to call me babe, no one! Ever!
I don’t remember a time when I have received good customer service when at the counter of JB HiFi. When shopping around for electric or electronic equipment I think JB is one of the best places to go to. These guys know their stuff. They have specialists in each department and most of the time will be forthcoming with information and provide answers to the questions you never remember to ask. It’s a different story when it’s time to head towards the payment counter. There is usually a queue to wait in and at sale times this is not a shop you want to enter.
The staff look like misplaced musos and artistes with their messy hair, 5 day growth, multiple piercings and 2nd hand clothes (not that there is anything wrong with that). They will not make eye contact with you or say hello, just challenge you with their knowledgeable attitude to put your CD’s on the counter and show them what your taste in music is. If you ask a question you will be met with a response that offers no openings for any further verbal contact. Something resembling a mumbled “thank you” is all that you will get. It is best you just take your purchase and leave.
My Store!
Myer staff are a friendly, chatty bunch aren’t they? Amongst themselves that is.
Myer is a great place for leisurely browsing and shopping in general but the staff is their biggest letdown and they have a reputation that is almost unchallengeable. Never mind about the constant renovations which see you entering what you thought was Ladieswear, only to find yourself in Electrical. Whenever there is a discussion on customer service Myer staff always get a mention as they are up there with the best of the worst.
When ready to make your purchase or simply ask for directions and so on, staff can be found in small groups at the register least likely to be used. Some gossip will be passing between them and you are not to interrupt until they have finished. If you do happen to make a faux pas and say “excuse me” or “hello”, don’t expect a reply. Susan needs to know what happened to Jenny (who nobody likes) when she left the club and if John from Menswear picked her up. The first words that are spoken to you are, “do you have Flybuys or Myer One?” The transaction will be finalised, you will be thanked and if you are lucky you will get a smile before they return to continue with the story that you so rudely stumbled upon.
You may even be luckier to strike a staff member who responds to your question, “oh, I don’t actually work here.” It’s then that you see the “Visitor” sticker. These people are most likely to be standing, staring with vacant eyes in the perfume department.
Nova the Independent!
The home of Melbourne’s favourite independent cinema is the purple decorated Nova. It is also the home to some of Melbourne’s most surly and ignorant staff I have ever come across on a regular basis. Like JB, you will be met by skinny, grungy artist types who have no interest in you whatsoever. Don’t dare ask a question as a curt reply and slight snarl will offend.
It’s not really good enough for them to have the best choc tops in town and the best selection of current films and then spoil it with the patronising attitude of the staff. I think the only person who has ever said hello to me is someone I know at the box office. The worst ones are the ticket checkers at the entrance. No eye contact, no greeting, no smile, no cares. They are also guilty of not pausing their conversation for you.
Don't Call Me Babe!
As customers we can be hard to please and I am definitely one of those who will ark up and gladly relay my experience to others. I will probably return the surly look I received and mumble something as I walk off. I can’t stand it when 18 year old girls greet me at the clothing rack with a joyous “hi darls, how are you today? On your lunchbreak are you? How’s your day going? I will just be over here if you need anything hon(ey). We have 20% off everything today!!!” I will say hello, try to smile and quickly avert my eyes so as to not invite a conversation about how I came to be in the shop in the first place. Equally I can’t stand it when I want some attention and don’t get a small acknowledgement for being in the store as this is generally when I want some help.
No one is allowed to call me babe, no one! Ever!
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