Are You Talking To Me?

Most people know that I have been using the internet for dating purposes for a long time now and many have heard my tales of success, failure, frivolity and boredom. My success stories have been few but memorable and enjoyable. There was one that got away. In saying that, if he got away then he couldn’t have been the one. I don’t really like the expression “the one”. I think it leads us, well me at least, to have false hopes and expectations that can’t be met. “What!!!” I hear you say, “Tracey, you have those things.” I know, I know and I can’t change that. I have tried to change my ways, not necessarily to lower my standards and expectations but to merely give guys a decent chance, in turn giving myself a better chance. I have tried against my better judgement and failed. Well, failed isn’t really the right word, it’s more a case of “I knew better.”

We all go on about chemistry and connection and without those things there’s not going to be a relationship. I agree that sexual chemistry can develop over time and I don’t expect to have that with a guy on the first date. I do still, however, need to be physically attracted to him. That could be through his smile, an idiosyncrasy or just because he is a big spunk. Apart from the physical attributes, I need to be intellectually attracted to him. I am not completely superficial.

The internet profile I have set up so guys can check me out is very much true to its word. I don’t lie about anything, I tell it like it is and don’t carry on with a lot fluff and bubble. I let them know upfront that I can be a bit intimidating (or arrogant as some people see female confidence) and out of context that may seem like the wrong thing to admit to but I know, for me, it is right. There is a bit of humour to lighten things up and show them that I can be fun and funny. For those of you not familiar with this form of dating set up, think about the personal ads you see in the newspapers and expand on that or better yet, just check them out and see for yourself. Unfortunately a lot of people who find it difficult to write about themselves copy other profiles, then someone will copy theirs and so on until everyone’s profile reads the same. It becomes incredibly boring and no one sounds interesting, least of all dateable. They are all financially secure and have spent recent years in a marriage or concentrating on work, consequently not having a social life. And that is all going to change now.

Let your imagination take you away from reality for a moment while I present to you a possible day spent together with your new interest, going by the information in his profile. (This is not the first date, maybe the third)

You are wearing a summer dress and heels, he is in a casual suit and tie. Take off in his sports car for a long drive, listening to tunes from his eclectic cd collection until you reach his favourite fine dining restaurant in the country where he can impress you with his knowledge of local wines. After lunch it’s down to the beach for a long walk. This is both relaxing and healthy as we all know walking on the sand is so good for the calves and the fresh sea air good for your lungs. Next you find a cafe that has the best coffee in town and hang out for a while getting to know one another a little bit more. He is telling you so much about himself and you think “wow, he must really like me.” You are listening intently but your only input is to agree and show understanding and interest. It’s not important for you to talk although he will at one or two points stop, laugh and say “oh, I’m talking too much!” before continuing on his merry way of talking at you. Things are going marvellously, he is charming and witty, you are laughing in the right places and there is a hint of physical contact. It’s getting late and you both don’t want the day to end so after watching the sun set he suggests heading over to his place and ordering a pizza to eat with a lovely bottle of cabernet sauvignon from his cellar. You get to choose the DVD to watch from his extensive collection and you simply cannot go past The Shawshank Redemption. It is, after all, your favourite movie and it just so happens to be his. You notice there are no horror films amongst the vast compilation and he lets you know he doesn’t mind the odd chick flick but would rather leave that to you and your girlfriends. While you attend to the entertainment for the evening he slips into his trakky daks and a t shirt as the suit is getting a little uncomfortable and he wears both styles so well that you need to see this cool side of him. The weather has turned a little chilly so you get snugly on the couch while Tim Robbins requests his poster of Rita Hayworth (spoiler alert!) to cover up the giant hole he is digging for escape. He reminds you he is not a player and has no baggage hidden away. You simply can’t believe this is happening and let him win you over. The end of the night is inevitable and what happens next is......

Now this does in all honesty sound like a fantastic day if you really are attracted to someone. Forget the specifics but a day filled with great company, good food and wine, some kind of activity and relaxation is something we all love, especially if it’s a date with a new love or old for that matter. But let’s get back to reality where I can expand on just one of the dynamics of a good date....good conversation!

What am I looking for, what’s my type? I don’t have a “type”. Everyone has a different mix of qualities but a very important one that I look for is conversation skill. As someone who was extremely shy talking to boys growing up I have always wanted to be around someone who can drive a conversation. I am glad to say that I have since learnt how to converse without being self conscious although I have my moments. I am, after all, human. I consider myself a good conversationalist these days. Now, being a good talker does not a good conversationalist make! Herein lies the big mistake that some dates make when drafting their self description.

I judge people very quickly. Yes, I can be wrong sometimes but as far as dates go I think I get it right with the first impression. Today I had a date and I was pretty certain it was not going to go far. I knew by his voice when we spoke on the phone. Harsh, I hear you say. Yes, I know it is but I was right. So now you are asking, what was it about his voice? It was the clipped sentences and young, slightly nervous tone, simple as that. I matched the voice with the photos and I had my man. But of course I had to meet him and give him a chance because he may simply have been nervous on the phone or wait for it.....I was wrong! We got to a cafe and we were chatting comfortably enough....because I was asking questions....and I was trying to back off with the judging. I learnt about his job, house that he co-designed, house mates, employment history and exercise habits. His profile had already told me he was an investor of sorts and liked to take risks. I didn’t like this piece of shared info because I think it is pretentious and unnecessary at this point. In person he let it be known that he lived below his means. I was getting to know him and I didn’t really like him. All his conversations were focussed on money and me, me, me!

Now, he knew the following things about me before we met: I am an actor, I had been practicing tap that morning (because I delayed the date time, in truth to avoid the lunch request because coffee is more than enough with some – however that backfired) and various other things from my profile. There were a lot of subjects there on offer just waiting to be talked about. The only question he asked me (twice!) was “So what about you, Tracey?” This is far too general a question to answer simply. So, it was then that I tried to use my time wisely in the spotlight but it wasn’t to be. I was interrupted a few times and swiftly had the conversation turned back to him. When this happens I will just stop trying. Oh that’s right, he asked me twice where I lived! He already knew that from our location choice.

This is how a number of my dates have gone. And frankly, they don’t get a second chance. If they can’t ask some simple questions in return, especially when prompted, then it’s all over. Come on, it’s a two way street and I am sick of going one way. If I have hardly said anything throughout the date or they haven’t learnt much about me, then how can they possibly be attracted to me and want a second date? That’s a part of the dating game I don’t understand. (I remind you that this has nothing to do with sex).

Conversation can be hard. We get so worked up about it that we can’t utter a coherent sentence sometimes. I don’t think it’s too much to expect my dates to ask me questions so they can get to know me. I can’t just offer information about myself all the time. That is awkward and unnatural for me and a lot of the time comes across as egotistical. I have no doubt that in my younger days my lack of conversational skills was a big factor contributing to my single status. These days I have no idea what the problem is. I have been told it’s my confidence and forthrightness (I’m a bit scary. Oh sorry about that, I will try to be a little meek for you).

Of course there are many reasons why we don’t get along with others and many reasons for a lack of attraction to a date. My date actually commented that I sounded tired when talking about “dating” and I am. I’m bored with the inane questions and clichéd so called ice breakers. I try to avoid things like, where do you work, what do you do, what do you like to do in your spare time? Oh please, what decade are you in? I know how difficult it is to get momentum with some conversations and I accept that I can be brutal with my opinions but I need/want that intellectual stimulation pretty much straight away. That is not negotiable for my relationships and I don’t think that is too much to ask.