Not Happy Jan

Is it not enough that I have accepted the swallowing of a pill each day to try and control my depression? Do I need to change my actual personality to make things easier? If so, I really don't know how to do that. Apart from the fact that it is a ridiculous idea I don't believe it's the answer.

My constant striving for perfection and the highest of standards with everything I do sets me up for regular slides down the proverbial hill. I have a very strong personality which can sometimes be interpreted as being a "bitch". I work hard with the attitude that I can muck around when the job is done or things are quiet. When I don't take part in the mucking around before time or I show professionalism when others don't, it is seen as negative. That just doesn't make sense.
I stand up for what I believe in and do not fabricate lies to get myself in or out of situations. Time and again I have been spokesperson for people I work with and have been betrayed when things come to the crunch. I understand it is difficult to be honest with grievances but when someone has done the hard work why not come forward and say your peace. Being left to deal with the backlash and accusations of causing problems makes me wonder why I stand up for people in the first place.

Workplace harrassment can destroy you.

Last year I was in a very fragile way due to harrassment in my day job. No matter how much I fought it, eventually taking it to the right people, I was betrayed. Betrayed by my colleagues and by the system. I couldn't believe it was happening to ME. It's a very nasty thing to get caught up in, just like Workcover is and I have been there too. "Systems" protect the guilty rather than help the innocent.

People tell you things that aren't true and they say these things so many times that you doubt yourself and start to believe them. You think "this can't be happening to me, I'm too strong for this, I fight for my rights, I don't take any crap from anyone, people come to me for help all the time, they like and respect me."

Cracks appear in your armour, you start bitching to anyone who will listen, people notice you are not your usual happy self, you don't join in conversations because you doubt you are welcome and are worried that they will run off and tell someone a distortion of what you said. It goes on and on until something gives and it's always the one trying to do the right thing by everyone. The stress is unbearable.

The end to this story is me quitting the job. 'They' won. It's not worth it for me to continue working in an environment that isn't going to change. I really enjoyed the job too, except for the uniform - too formal. I really struggle with day jobs. Get me out of here please and give me a starring role.

Friends and family tell me to lighten up, chill out, don't be so hard on yourself and I try, I try so hard but after a good cry I steadfastly and conscientiously work myself back up to the top of that damn hill because it's so good up there and it's what I believe in.